Elusive passions...

This blog post is about someone (me) who has been so excited about, and committed to, writing a blog and suddenly found herself with weeks of empty space between her and said blog.  It is a musing on how life and creative energy do not always peacefully co-exist.  One of the things I've learned over the past fews weeks, as I've written nothing on this blog, is that creative energy isn't a given.  Even though it's always been dominant in my fundamental core...it's been there as long as I've known myself... it remains fragile enough to nearly be obliterated under conditions that life gifts me with sometimes. 

It's disconcerting to realize that a foundational part of who I am seems to be so vulnerable.  I would like it better if this creative core would be the most enduring, the most unshakeable part of me.  The strength that would carry me through the storms of life and all that.  I wish that when the rest of my life feels gnarly and overwhelming, my innate response would be to be up half the night fabricating ridiculously amazing earrings or designing a massive mosaic or pouring several batches of specialty soap.  But alas, not so.  I just end up feeling tired and somehow distant from myself.  I can look inside and see the creative passion still there on my team, but like it's been benched.  

I don't totally understand the phenomenon.  I'm pretty good at "work-life balance" and pretty good at managing my life, but it seems I have less control over creative momentum than I would like.  I wonder why?  Is it that creativity is less tangible than I think it is?  Or maybe accessing it is more elusive than accessing other kinds of energy?  I can override lack of desire or focus when it comes to not wanting to go to work, or exercise, or do something social when I'm overwhelmed, stressed out or just damn tired.  I just do it.  But rarely can I create-on-demand.  Which, in the case of this blog, has meant writing.

I'm so glad this isn't a self help blog since I have no good way to tie a bow around these questions.  I can only say that during times when the creative within doesn't seem to be easily accessible to me, I miss it dearly, and take enormous comfort in knowing that it's still there and will, in time, emerge refreshed.