I am driven from within. I think some people are driven from external forces; the demands of a job or things that seem required or initiated by friends or family. I have no judgment about which kind of motivation is better, but I suspect the happiest people are those who have excellent balance between the two. That's not me. I depend on that thing inside that pushes me, makes me feel driven. I call it my edge and while sometimes, if not often times, it makes me a little crazy with urgency and anxiety, the truth is that without it I'm lost. Lost might be a little dramatic, but not much. Aimless for sure.
For people who know what I'm talking about, no explanation is required. I have an idea that this internal motivation or drive, might be more present in creative/artistic types...part of the right brain phenomenon. And it's a little more than an internal motivation, it's also relying on intuition, the feeling about how to proceed and learning over time how important it is to listen to that. For people who don't instinctively know what I'm talking about, I'll attempt to describe it.
The internal motivation is more like a force or an urgency mixed with ideas and thoughts. This motivation is there whether it's focused or not and I've learned that's ok. Focus will emerge from it, even if not right away. It's like an energy, but not something disorganized or vague, it has presence. Not exactly the voice that sits on your shoulder and whispers in your ear, but definitely an active, creative, confident sense of self that's two or three steps ahead, calling me to follow.
The fascinating and frustrating thing about it, that I don't really understand, is why it all but disappears sometimes. The way I move through my life probably looks generally the same to the people that I work with and see regularly, but in my head, something is missing. It's very weird. I run through a checklist of sorts...am I too tired? Too stressed about something? Have I gotten lazy? Oh, dear god, is this an age thing?? What if it doesn't come back? Or is there a more elusive reason? Am I out of balance somehow, not listening?
Not a surprise that since I'm writing about it, I feel like this now. Been a few weeks or longer. Feel a little off. My brain isn't scrambling with a hundred things and I'm not driven to get twenty more things accomplished than humanly possible in one afternoon. That probably sounds like I'm finally becoming a grown up, establishing a firm footing in the land reason. I hope not. I like living with the edge.
Hi, I'm Donna. Long time artisan/creative. Full time work in nonprofit world. Mother of two adult sons. Currently, also mother of two cats.
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